give me my money back, you bitch

The Many Faces of Ron Swanson

Drunk Ron Swanson is this year’s Halloween costume. But since I’m black, everyone will probably just think I’m Danny Glover.

azizisbored:

Wow. Well done.

flyingscotsman:

Sady Doyle: With Much Love to Lovely Friends Who Have Made This Critique:

Dem Bitches Be Drankin': Alcoholism is hard...

SVU-in’ it all damn day

This girl is like, 20 and fucking cool as balls. Basically I think this because she is exactly like me, but then I get bummed out because she is cool as balls four years ahead of of me and I hate it when people do shit better than I do it. 

janebook:

i’m five days into winter break and already i don’t know what to do with myself. there are only so many hours in the day i can fill with olivia benson and elliott stabler. now, i WOULD just be drunk all the time like i was during the summer except i’m too young to do practically anything that happens after 9pm … aside from, sit in my bed, (illegally) drink a can of coors light and watch SVU. dammit, i am way too interesting to be this boring.

Dem Bitches Be Drankin': GENESIS (as in beginning, not adult prog-rock)

CHECK IT.

note: when the boy you like rises from your bed the next morning and asks you to come have dim sum, the answer that comes out of your mouth should be “yes.” even if you don’t want dim sum, even if you want a fat burger and a milkshake, even if you don’t particularly want to go outside at all because it is hot and you are hungover and you smell kind of weird and it’s more fun to lay around in bed watching dr. katz, you say yes to dim sum; because saying yes to blow jobs but no to lunch dates kind of sends the wrong goddamn message. 

• "Do you ever just.. lie?"
• "For the hell of it?"
• "Um, not really for the HELL of it but... not really for a reason either."
• "I'm... not sure."
• "Well, ok I'll give you an example - the other day someone asked me if I wanted an apple and I said I was allergic and one summer when I was a kid an apple chunk in my fruit salad had been overlooked--it was hidden underneath a strawberry--and when I ate it I went into like, SEVERE anaphylactic shock and almost died. So no thank you, I would not like an apple."
• "That's insane!"
• "No, it's not. It's not true."
• "What?"
• "Yeah, it's not true. I just said that."
• "Why?"
• "Remember when I told you the reason I'm not into dating right now is because I don't want anymore people knowing my stories?"
• "Yeah..."
• "As soon as they asked me if I wanted an apple I just flashed on that. All of a sudden I felt extremely protective of my fruit preference like it was my goddamn most embarrassing moment from second grade or something. (shrug) So I lied."
• "I still don't think I'm getting this--were you one a date?"
• "No."
• "So what did it matter?"
• "I don't know."
• "Ok, I get the whole thing about you not wanting to tell your story but you could have easily just said 'No'."
• "Ehh. That's boring."

yes, well

so i’ve been seeing this dude for a few weeks and last night decided to break up with him basically because he is lame and i am awesome. i did not say this during said break up, but i’m pretty sure he knew that was the reason. he came over after work bearing spinach knishes that his mother made. the knishes i can get behind, but the 31 year old man still living with his jewish mother who hates me with the fire of one thousand suns was a contributing factor to the whole let’s-not-see-each-other-anymore thing. it presented a problem though, as how does one break up and still enjoy delicious, yiddish fried goods? it’s a delicate thing and must be approached cautiously. unfortunately, by the time he came over i had the entire contents of a bottle of shiraz coursing through my veins and i just bulldozed my way right through it. we had some of that break up sex you hear so much about and i won’t lie, part of the reason i agreed to it was because i was hoping he would offer up the knishes later in the post-coital pre-getthehelloutofmyhouse -glow. THIS WAS NOT THE CASE. he got dressed, put on his dumb hat that he thinks makes him look like christian bale circa newsies but in fact makes him look like fucking barbra streisand circa yentl, and left, knishes in tow. now it is saturday morning and i am seriously considering calling his mother and asking her to make me some; she’ll probably like me now that i’m not banging her son.

maddietakesthestairs:

There are some days when I am overwhelmingly sad because I feel like I have too much love and nobody who is ready to take it.  It becomes so heavy, taking up so much space in my chest that it crawls up my throat and out my eyes and some of it falls onto the pillows or my sleeve, but the rest gets sucked back into my pores and recycles itself for the next big wave.

• jordin: do you know anything about classic hollywood? like, the 20's and 30's?
• emily: um, a little?
• jordin: i want to get into it, try it on for size, but i don't know where to begin
• jordin: and getting to know anything i know is just like...you watch one thing and it inspires or intrigues you in some way, and you just branch out from there. like, i remember when i was 12, i did a report on queen elizabeth I and she was so interesting, i learned everything about her, which turned into learning everything about the elizabethan age in general, which turned into studying henry VIII and all his crazy shit
• jordin: and to this day, i'm still totally fascinated by all of that
• jordin: but now, when i find myself interested in something, i get really overwhelmed by how much there is to know about it
• jordin: and it makes me nervous and then i don't want to know about it anymore
• jordin: which is why i haven't learned anything new in like, 4 years
• emily: oh man i know exactly what you mean
• jordin: there's just so much to know about everything!
• emily: actually, i get nervous because i feel the more i know about one thing, the less i know about so many other things
• emily: if that makes sense
• emily: but yea i get you
• jordin: that totally makes sense
• emily: theres so much to everything, everything has its own private universe
• emily: craziness
• jordin: the less time you have to devote to knowing other things
• jordin: something that you might like more
• emily: yes
• jordin: what if you spend your time learning something new, and you totally miss out on this other thing that was way more interesting
• emily: precisely
• emily: its so unnverving!
• jordin: but it's all so stupid. i mean, knowledge is knowledge and it's all so fucking cool the things we don't know about. which is really easy to say, i'm real good at reason in theory
• jordin: but when it comes to practice, i'm a big ol' puss
• emily: youre totally right
• emily: its so fun to just explore random shit
• emily: and everything connects
• jordin: we need to start a club or something. knowledge club!
• jordin: where everyone just tells everyone shit
• jordin: which i guess is just a friendship
• emily: hahahahaha
• jordin: but if we call it a club we could make t-shirts
• emily: hahaha
• emily: friendship club
• emily: "dropping knowledge on each other because we're tight"